Ross Kemp is a fucking geezer who dresses like The Matrix.

He lives on the fuckin estate apples and pears. Look at this fucking lady falling into those fucking Xmas logs. Cooorrr.

He’s only goig’ to chuck the fucking telly! Oi! Guv! Leave it out!

Fucking hell, mate.

Oo ‘ello, it’s fucking Liz Smith! Third time she’s come up this fucking Chradvent. Whatsatthen.

Eddie Scrooge’s a bit of a fucking gangster. He’s hard. Bit of a loan shark, yeah?

Bob’s a bit of a twat if you know what I mean. Too nice. Why’s he even fucking working with Scrooge? Does fuck all. 

Fred’s a fucking rozzer.

‘ello Marley. 

Christ!

Marley’s a ghost, yeah? but he don’t stick around for long, he fucks off after about two minutes. Prick.

Oi! Yer dad’s on the telly! 

‘Ello Dad!

Oh fuck off Dad.

His mum died. Now that’s some fucking sad shit. Dad off down the fucking Coach an’ ‘orses every evening, Ross Kemp has to bring himself up. Also his sister who we never see again. 

Right, Dad’s fucked off, now what? What? It’s Christmas eve again? Christ, it’s like that fucking Groundhog day film, you know, er, Groundhog day. Now Ross is a hard man, but even hard men get a bit confused sometimes. And vice versa.

Fucking Marley again, he’s the Ghost of fucking Christmas Present. What a mug.

Looks like an episode of fucking Eastenders. Now that’s a fucking programme.

Look, I’m no twat, I know the value of a fucking shilling but why can’t this Bob geezer buy his family some fucking Christmas presents? The one thing that fucking loan sharks have going for them is that they’re minted. Scrooge employs Bob ‘cos he owes him too much money? What the fuck kind of business plan is that? Bob does fuck all, mate. Can’t believe Scrooge would be such a mug not to just break his fucking legs on the spot.

Oh, and his kid’s got cystic fibrosis. Poor fucker.

So Scrooge gets fucked up over this bird, right? Then fucking Marley only goes and calls ‘im a mug for getting sad. Says it’s not love, it’s greed. Why you fuckin’ showin’ ‘im it then? 

Ignorance and fucking want? Nah, just some homeless kids who died. Scrooge could’ve fucking helped them but didn’t cos he said he was fucking skint (lying prick).

Fucking xmas eve again. What the fuck is this? Scrooge pretending to be fucking changed but he ain’t really. Does a bit of fucking charity work, doesn’t wanna accept some bloke’s money. Fucking gets angry, dun ‘e?

Will give him that. That’s a fucking nice twist on the original story. Shows him trying but missing the fucking point. Takes homeless kid to his fucking true love Bella the nurse and Constabable Habib from the fucking Thin Blue Line. Kid’s already dead. Christ Ross, get it together you twat.

‘oo the fuck is the fucking Future Ghost?

Awright, whatever.

What the fuck is going on here?

Whatever the fuck it is it ‘appens for a full 25 seconds.

Aw fuck, he’s just gonna miss the new Doctor Who. 

‘ello, it’s xmas eve again. Cor. Scrooge only goes and fucking sacks Bob. “Your debts are a small price to pay for getting rid of you, you’re useless”. Fucking spot on mate.

Liz Smith gets a fucking hamper. Lovely bloke, that Scrooge.

He turns in Marley’s killer (knew who it was the whole time, the mug) and says he’s going around to Fred’s for din dins. Fred tells him he’s a fucking vegetarian and you can already see the look of regret on Ross’ cheeky face.

Scrooge doesn’t do a complete fucking 180 here, yeah? Feels like the same person after the ghosts come along and fuck him up. Like that. First time that’s happened. Same old cheeky witty geezer from before. Hard as fucking nails but with a heart of fucking gold nails.

Oh yeah, the Future Ghost was his fucking kid from the future when he gets with that Bella bird. Guess this film was actually a fucking stealth anti-abortion drama. 

That’s the end.

4 out of 10, you cunt.

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Oi! Scrooge! No!